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Second, I had yet another patient who – (I feel obligated to say at this point that the specific details of these patient stories are made up, and several of them are composites of multiple different people, in order to protect confidentiality.I’m preserving the general gist, nothing more) – I had a patient, let’s call him ‘Henry’ for reasons that are to become clear, who came to hospital after being picked up for police for beating up his fifth wife.He’s been married five times and had multiple extra-marital affairs and pre-marital partners, many of whom were well aware of his past domestic violence convictions and knew exactly what they were getting into.Meanwhile, here I was, twenty-five years old, never been on a date in my life, every time I ask someone out I get laughed at, I’m constantly teased and mocked for being a virgin and a nerd whom no one could ever love, starting to develop a serious neurosis about it.But later that night I was browsing the Internet and I was reminded of what the worse response humanly possible.It would go something like: You keep whining about how “unfair” it is that you can’t get a good job.
It does not mean “I am nice in some important cosmic sense, therefore I am entitled to sex with whomever I want.” It means: “I am a nicer guy than Henry.” Or to spell it out very carefully, Henry clearly has no trouble attracting partners.And here I was, tried my best never to be mean to anyone, pursued a productive career, worked hard to help all of my friends. Even three years ago, I knew there were Henry-like people – your abusers, your rapists, your bullies – and it wasn’t hard to notice that none of them seemed to be having the crushing loneliness problem I was suffering from.I didn’t think I deserved to have the prettiest girl in school prostrate herself at my feet. And, like my patient Dan, I just wanted to know – how is this fair?So I asked the obvious question: “What happened to your first four wives? I wish, I wish I wish, that Henry was an isolated case.” “Oh,” said the patient, “Domestic violence issues. One of them I got put in jail, and she’d moved on once I got out. “And why, exactly, were you beating your wife this time? “She was yelling at me, because I was cheating on her with one of my exes.” “With your ex-wife? ” “Yeah.” “So you beat up your wife, she left you, you married someone else, and then she came back and had an affair on the side with you? But he’s interesting more for his anomalously high number of victims than for the particular pattern.